The fate of my taste buds

I don't go to the tanning bed often. When I do, though, it is 20 minutes in Heaven. Actually more like 18 or 19- that extra time can leave some serious burns. It's the price you pay to fry from the inside out. There is nothing incredibly special about the tanning bed. I go in wearing my undies. Some go in completely nekked. I tried that once but some places on my body were not meant to see sunlight- natural or artificial. So you go in and wear the goggles to protect your eyes. The weird thing is that behind the bulbs they have mirrors so I always see my reflection. If there is ever a time you would like to feel like an unattractive martian, open your eyes and look at yourself while tanning. Seriously. I heard once that the UV rays you're exposed to while in your sunshiney coffin whiten your teeth so I try to smile for at least eight minutes. Katie finds this hilarious, a Meghanism. But... my teeth are white now. I think.

One thing I look forward to when tanning is the gift you get. I usually forget about it until I open the door and see my little sugary present waiting for me on my towel. They give you a jolly rancher as a reward for exposing yourself to an unhealthy amount of UV rays. My favorite kind of jolly rancher is red. Actually it's the only kind I will eat. Much like Lifesavers... I only eat wild cherry. Miss Jackie, my coworker at Busch Gardens many summers ago, would buy LifeSavers every week and eat them at home. When we had the same shift she would give me a Ziplock full of the red ones that she had saved for me. Well if I get a red jolly rancher on my towel in the tanning bed, it's a good day. I can tell that my night will be eventful. For some reason, when it's a yellow, green, orange, or the excruciatingly similar pink color that gives me false excitement I feel as though it's a sign to go home and go to bed. If fate can't spare me a red jolly rancher as my random fortune teller, if the oompa loompas at the front desk can't recognize that I never eat the other colors and leave them behind, then I know that I should take it easy... just in case.

Guide to Your Fate
(as determined by colored Jolly Ranchers left on tanning beds)
Red: Great Night ahead of you. Take some chances... call your boy, drink a beer and write something outstanding. This would be an ideal time to search for cheap flights since your fortune is greater than any other nights. Note: Finding a red is more apt to happen on a Wednesday.
Orange: Proceed with caution. Be aware of the locations of loved ones and don't walk under bridges.
Pink: Please don't get excited, it's not a red. Just a cheap imitation. If it's been a bad day, eat it, you may enjoy it. However expect that the rest of your night, should you eat it, will be a cheap imitation of what a red can do.
Yellow: Just like a stoplight, slow down. Recommended bedtime is 10:12 p.m.
Green/Blue: Disgusting. The candy is probably poisoned, stay away.